Allegory of the Cave

Obviously, I haven't been posting much lately. It's been a rough month after everything that happened during production of the film and afterwards. I suppose it's all forced me to re-evalute... everything. What I thought I wanted, what I thought we were doing, what I thought was happening. But I guess in hindsight everything turned out to be quite different... perception and reality.

My experiences as of late remind me of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. In this famous parable, a cave is inhabited by "prisoners", who are chained to their seats and forced to watch a wall in front of them. Behind the prisoners is a fire and people, whose shadows are cast on the wall for the prisoners to see. The sounds of the people behind the prisoners echo in the cave. Since the prisoners can only see the wall and hear the echoes, they believe that the shadows and sounds are the only reality -- there is nothing else -- only the shadows and echoes. They have no concept of what could be creating the shadows.

The story continues and the prisoners are eventually freed from their shackles. For the first time they would now see the fire and the people behind. But they would not recognize them as real because they had never experienced the people before -- only the shadows. They would still believe the shadows to be more real. Even looking at the fire would temporarily blind the prisoners and they would choose to turn back to the shadows on the wall because it's what they know and are comfortable with.

Finally however, Plato suggests that if the prisoners were dragged out of the cave and into the sunlight they would eventually have to face reality. It might take a long time for them to acclimate, but eventually they would see more and more things around them and then they would understand "reality."

But of course, this all leads to a whole lot of questions about what would happen to the prisoners once released. Won't they suffer in learning the "truth?" Might they be happy living in ignorance in the cave? Or maybe even when faced with the facts, they would be incapable of dealing with it.

I'm trying to keep everything that happened last month in perspective, but I keep thinking about the Allegory of the Cave. And in some strange and twisted way it feels like a parallel to what's happened to me recently. Especially in the context of "shadows" and "echoes" and our experience shooting the film inside Changi Hospital. I feel like a refugee of the cave.... I've experienced something outside the realm of the cave... and I want to share the experience... but it will be impossible to convince those remaining in the cave of my experience, because it is something they themselves have never experience. It's frustrating and frightening and makes me sometimes wish I'd never left the dark cave. But even though the people in the cave don't believe what I've experienced... it doesn't make it any less real.

Online Fiasco

After everything now this.

My Facebook was tapped into and someone played a really sick joke. I'm struggling to hold back, but for now I'm choosing to take a step back and not name names or point fingers. But the damage is done and I'm afraid my own reputation has been tarnished.

I learned a very difficult lesson and I know I lost some more friends over this. Can things get any worse? I hope not. So, as you may have figured, I panicked and cut off everything and closed down for a while. I needed a break anyway, especially after everything that's happened in the past few weeks. Problem is, I have no idea what to do next.

Guilt Ridden

I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of guilt for what happened with Andrew. That maybe if we'd been on good terms, I'd have stopped the him and Audi from going back to OCH again; after all they didn't have permission this time. I played my part in this, and if things had been different... I just wish the were different.

I'm resorting to writing this post, in the hopes that forcing myself to organize my thoughts and to logically recognize what has happened will make me pull myself together. It's not really working. I'm just reading back and wondering how I could possibly sound so cold and detached about a friend. Some things just don't translate. I need to pull myself together; someone needs to keep the project going. No more filming, but something needs to be done with what we've already finished, to complete our project.

But not just yet. I'm only human. It hasn't really sunk in yet. I need time. I know it will all pass. Things will eventually work out.

Sickened

There's a scene in Initial D, the movie, when Jay Chou's character discovers some very unpleasant truths about the girl he likes, and in that moment, he runs away and speeds off in his car, a mixture of rage, betrayal, disappointment and an edge of disbelief. I now know how he feels.

For the past few months, I dedicated my life to this non-paying project, working on passion alone and the belief in Andrew's vision that this project will be successful. For months, I fought with my parents, who couldn't understand why I wasn't looking for a good stable job, why I had to run off for shoot on Lunar New Year Eve and why I've been experiencing bouts of depression. All that based on that faith. And now that faith has been betrayed.

Audi came along with me to check on Andrew today. He had, again, gone MIA, refusing to answer his calls or emails. Perhaps Audi suspected something might happen, maybe he was in the know all along. He just wanted to come along and film the whole sordid thing.

We found Andrew in a complete mess. The editing suite was disgusting, dark and damp like a cave of rotting things. He didn't look much better. Clearly he wasn't well; he seemed feverish and a little delirious. Or perhaps that was just the alcohol.

In short, we had a big fight. I ran out, my way blurry with tears, and the anguish, the betrayal, the disbelief that my friend of so very many years just uses women like tools and I'm just one of them, literally made my chest ache.

All that time I worked so hard on this project, getting permission, convincing sponsors, managing logistics, and he's just busy chasing tail! What's more, it doesn't even look like he did ANYTHING more to the documentary.

Never before have I felt more alone being the only girl in the group. There's no one I can talk to about this. The guys just don't understand, and I'm sure they're probably high-fiving one another about what a stud Andrew is and what an overreacting psycho prude I am. Well, screw that. I'm out.

Measure Of A Man

It's so incredibly lame and Pavlovian, but apparently it works. The trite "sex sells" school of thought is still alive and well in advertising, and any kind of male-oriented activity that couldn't be improved by having some scantily clad female of questionable morals draped over it.

I logged onto my Facebook today and was invited to some poker group by some girl I don't know. Clicked on the site and on her profile and nearly barfed all over my keyboard. Please, tone down on the sexploitation. Seeing your prepubescent tits squeezed from AA to B does not make me want to cry "All in!" and shove my chips forward. It just makes me wonder where are the kiddy porn police when you need them.

It does make me wonder what kind of men would actually go and participate in that event. Are they all single desperate geeks whose closest encounter with Actual Boobs (tm) were during their breastfeeding stages? Are they "normal" men who just tell their girlfriend they're going for a poker game and leave out the fact that there are going to be little girls dressed like Geylang sluts sauntering around the place? (And I'm assuming they're just sauntering around the place; who knows if they throw in extra services.)

It makes me sick. And for as long as I'm a producer, I will never ever resort to this low and tawdry form of marketing. What are we, animals?

It's not so much sour grapes (since I'm single) but cynicism steeped in a boatload of evidence that leads me to think that maybe relationships are overrated. What's the point? You care for someone, you do so much for them, and they go chasing after some random slutty girl who appears on their radar. All your sacrifice, all your love and care means nothing. Apparently the only way to get a man appears to be tossing any self-respect and dignity out the window and impersonating a blow-up doll. It doesn't even matter if you can't communicate in the same language, because clearly talking isn't a priority for men. Better yet if you don't talk at all, since clearly they've got their lives together, so your input, no matter how well-intended, is just nagging anyway.

Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe in a Prince Charming, an honest, righteous, loyal man who takes responsibility for his actions, means what he says, and doesn't lead you around like you're some naive, love-struck schoolgirl if he has no intention of ever being with you. A man who respects women and doesn't use them like they're nothing more than tools.

I try not to judge men who fall short of this ideal, because as things go, it's pretty darn obvious that very very very few men measure up to it. But I can't help it, I do. When I see jerks who use women, who brag about their conquests, who look so damn smug about hooking up with some girl, I look down on them, I don't consider them to be friends, and I hope they contract some STD that will make their pride and joy turn black and fall off.

Maybe that might mean I'll remain single for a long time to come. That's ok. I'd rather be single than to settle for some jerk who will just break my heart, flirting with other women on Facebook, going for "poker tournaments" and conveniently leaving out the sluts that come along, telling me all these lovely things then going behind my back and saying the same things to some other girl. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship if you don't respect your partner? If you claim she's the only one and you go behind her back? Men complain about women being paranoid, possessive psychos, but when you're the one acting all secretive and suspicious, you have no bloody right to blame us. No one likes to be made a fool of. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't be happy either, would you?

It does make me wonder what's the point of being in a relationship? Unless the both of you meet when you're in your 80s, have a few happy days together and die, the likelihood of getting your heart broken at some point by the person who claims to love you is much too strong. All the long walks on the beach are not enough for the tears and pain. Give someone the keys to your heart and they're just going to rob you blind of your emotions.

And as much as I'd like to blame the "other woman", truth is, often they have no clue. Or if they do, then they're the boyfriend/husband-stealing monsters who deserve all the crap heaped upon them. But the onus is really on the boyfriend/husband. You have no excuse. You know what you're doing is wrong. The fact that you choose to continue shows what a scumbag you are and just how little respect you have for your partner. And when the day comes and you get found out, I hope you get to feel all of the pain and betrayal you have caused your partner. All the mental anguish she felt while she kept second guessing her instincts, wondering if she was going insane and trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you can't commit, then don't. DON'T LIE. I'm sure she could do MUCH better than you. Don't tie her to your mediocre, insecure, cheating ass.

And ladies, have some self-respect. Walk away. It is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't really love you. You're worth much more than that.

Drained

I've not felt so exhausted in a very long time. It's not physical tiredness, I'm just sick and tired of this project.

Nothing sucks more than having your efforts blow up in your face, when you get told off for something you did and you never expected such a reaction to follow. So, screw that, I'm not going to do anything else to publicize the stupid film.

Too extreme? I don't think so. Getting yelled at on Facebook and berated by a bunch of thumb-sucking cyber bullies on some tabloid style website and getting my reputation tainted by this whole thing is about as unpleasant as it gets. So cut it out, before it infects the rest of you.

I'm just so emotionally drained. I can't even find the energy to get angry or upset. I'm just numb. And tired. I feel like I want to sleep and never wake up again. Maybe after everyone else dies and goes to hell. I'm sick of compromising myself for other people. You aren't worth it.

Question Of Motivation

Yesterday we went to watch the night footage we took on 15 Feb, last Saturday. Which, as I found out from Matthew, a friend from Facebook, was the anniversary of the day the Japanese invaded during WWII.

Not all of us went though, Farid was still bedridden. Audi and I are still sick, but not as bad as that. Andrew's the only one who still seems all hyper and enthusiastic, which makes me want to smack him, because for all that energy, he couldn't have picked up a bloody phone?!

Anyway. My mood didn't improve after watching the footage either. He found something "interesting" in a particular shot and chose to torture me with it. We'd been filming in this particular room that had made me feel very uncomfortable, and I told the guys in no uncertain terms I wanted out. And it was the shot in that room that showed something shadowy behind me. I freaked out when I saw that footage, and I was on the verge of tears, but the two of them just dismissed it as a trick of the light, and went on talking as if nothing happened.

I guess we've all been friends long enough that they've forgotten that I'm a girl. It doesn't help that I try to tough it out, to be one of the guys. But somehow yesterday, maybe it was the flu, maybe I was just not myself, but I was so shaken by what I saw that I nearly broke down, and no one gave a damn. I was so scared I just wanted to stand in bright sunshine and hope that it would cleanse me. I know it sounds incredibly girly and selfish of me, but I just wanted someone to ask if I was ok, and neither of them did. From Andrew's post on the production blog, it's pretty clear that my reaction on that night and yesterday were nothing more than "interesting". It's almost as though I'm nothing more than some character in a film he's directing. I can't believe he even has the cheek to post pictures of me looking freaked out.

I'm literally sick of this project. And since we don't have filming for the next few days, I'm taking a break and spending some time doing my own stuff, like looking for another gig, spending some time with my family and friends. Well, friends who care, anyway.