Drained

I've not felt so exhausted in a very long time. It's not physical tiredness, I'm just sick and tired of this project.

Nothing sucks more than having your efforts blow up in your face, when you get told off for something you did and you never expected such a reaction to follow. So, screw that, I'm not going to do anything else to publicize the stupid film.

Too extreme? I don't think so. Getting yelled at on Facebook and berated by a bunch of thumb-sucking cyber bullies on some tabloid style website and getting my reputation tainted by this whole thing is about as unpleasant as it gets. So cut it out, before it infects the rest of you.

I'm just so emotionally drained. I can't even find the energy to get angry or upset. I'm just numb. And tired. I feel like I want to sleep and never wake up again. Maybe after everyone else dies and goes to hell. I'm sick of compromising myself for other people. You aren't worth it.

Question Of Motivation

Yesterday we went to watch the night footage we took on 15 Feb, last Saturday. Which, as I found out from Matthew, a friend from Facebook, was the anniversary of the day the Japanese invaded during WWII.

Not all of us went though, Farid was still bedridden. Audi and I are still sick, but not as bad as that. Andrew's the only one who still seems all hyper and enthusiastic, which makes me want to smack him, because for all that energy, he couldn't have picked up a bloody phone?!

Anyway. My mood didn't improve after watching the footage either. He found something "interesting" in a particular shot and chose to torture me with it. We'd been filming in this particular room that had made me feel very uncomfortable, and I told the guys in no uncertain terms I wanted out. And it was the shot in that room that showed something shadowy behind me. I freaked out when I saw that footage, and I was on the verge of tears, but the two of them just dismissed it as a trick of the light, and went on talking as if nothing happened.

I guess we've all been friends long enough that they've forgotten that I'm a girl. It doesn't help that I try to tough it out, to be one of the guys. But somehow yesterday, maybe it was the flu, maybe I was just not myself, but I was so shaken by what I saw that I nearly broke down, and no one gave a damn. I was so scared I just wanted to stand in bright sunshine and hope that it would cleanse me. I know it sounds incredibly girly and selfish of me, but I just wanted someone to ask if I was ok, and neither of them did. From Andrew's post on the production blog, it's pretty clear that my reaction on that night and yesterday were nothing more than "interesting". It's almost as though I'm nothing more than some character in a film he's directing. I can't believe he even has the cheek to post pictures of me looking freaked out.

I'm literally sick of this project. And since we don't have filming for the next few days, I'm taking a break and spending some time doing my own stuff, like looking for another gig, spending some time with my family and friends. Well, friends who care, anyway.

Dead Or Alive

I feel like a debt collector. Since Sunday, day after our night exploration, Valentine's Day, first day of Chinese New Year, I've been trying to reach Andrew by almost every possible channel in our modern lives to no avail. I called, SMSed, emailed, Facebooked, and am contemplating more old school methods like fax, snail mail and just banging down his door.

So if anyone has any clue where he's disappeared to, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. It's not like him to go MIA like this. For that matter, ANDREW, if you're reading this, call me!

Since the night exploration, things have been a little odd. Andrew's gone MIA, Audi and Farid are sick, and I'm, well, I'm starting to feel a little under the weather now too. Hopefully things will stop being weird soon, because we still have a lot to do.

After skipping out on my parents for reunion dinner, things have been a little frosty between us. We still went visiting on day one, even though I was falling asleep every time I was stationary for more than a minute and having disturbing dreams each time. My relatives, bless their kaypoh souls, alternated between my career choice, how pale my face looked, and why I was still an unwanted spinster. Family. Gotta love them.

Thankfully, my cousins pulled the annual movie watching experience, so my entire generation trooped off to watch Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief at GV Vivocity. I'm sure it was a great show. At least, what I caught of it was great. I got lulled to sleep by the plush, cushiony seats and even the Dolby Surround system couldn't snap me out of it.

So now, it's Thursday, and normal people have gone back to work by now. We ought to be too, except with Farid bed-ridden, Audi barely able to talk without snot flying out of his nose, and Andrew pulling a Copperfield, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Ah well. I'm just going to stick to the schedule as much as possible and keep doing my job.

Out Of Focus

What do you do if someone is in distress? Because what you do then makes it very clear what you feel about that person.

As planned, we went back to OCH on Saturday night, Taoist priest in the lead. He did a ritual, underwent an interview, and left us, shaking his head at our madness. I was already freaked out enough about having to go back at night, and getting into an argument with my parents just before I left didn't help matters. It's just a dinner; we eat together all the time. What's the big deal about reunion dinner anyway? It's not like the whole clan is there.

The ghost hunters came as planned. Except they brought a child with them, which I didn't expect. I really don't know what they were thinking, bringing a kid to a place like this, and I completely didn't blame him for getting upset. I would, if I was faced with a creepy looking place like that.

So when Andrew had his bright idea, I really wasn't keen on playing along, but I did in the end, because I always do. And while I can't remember exactly what happened, I just know that Audi and I had never been so scared in our entire lives, nor have I ever run so fast, despite the slippery floors and the broken glass.

But what stuck with me was how Andrew reacted. I mean, I know he's focused on the project, but for crying out loud, I'm running out of there, hysterical, and I've NEVER done that before in my life, and he couldn't find it in himself to just comfort me for one moment? And instead talks about how I might have frightened some China girl who was living there? And as we were all busy getting out of there, he actually sticks around to look for that girl, to make sure we didn't scare her? Seriously, if you're going to stay in a place like OCH, you bloody deserve to be scared to death.

I guess Saturday night proved what his priorities are. Clearly I'm not part of them, since he won't answer my calls, emails and SMSes for the whole of today. Whatever, I'm too exhausted to care right now.

Unseeing The Seen

We all popped into the editing suite yesterday to see the footage we shot at OCH last weekend. And after that, I made a call and invited a Taoist priest to join us on Saturday night, before the night shoot. Thankfully, he's my aunt's friend, and with a lot of begging, he agreed to do it, even though it's reunion dinner night.

Yes, as in Chinese New Year reunion dinner night. Farid and Audi, for obvious reasons, had no issue with it, but it took much finagling to get my parents off my back about it. Andrew just laughed that great belly laugh of his and said his folks didn't mind. Ah well. Actually, I was more worried about our interviewees; we're getting members of this paranormal investigation group to come down, and THAT took much finagling as well.

So what did I see? Honestly, nothing that couldn't be explained away, technically. But, there were a couple of things that just made me feel uneasy. I know shadows and an overactive imagination can play a big part, but even rationalizing things out couldn't calm my nerves. And we're going back. At night. FML.

It doesn't help that as we pursue this documentary, we keep hearing creepier and creepier stories about the place. One of my friends mentioned on my Facebook that he saw a little boy with glowing red eyes. AAARGH.

I'm not certain whether the place is genuinely creepy, or if it's really just a product of my imagination.

Fear Factor

Yesterday we explored OCH. In the day, thankfully. Not wasting any time once we got permission. But all the elation I felt on getting permission disappeared the second I saw the building on the hill and the leaf- and litter-covered staircase leading up to it. It lurked over the chalets like some grim, disapproving old man, daring the kids to trespass on its property.

I don't want to give too much away, but its reputation is well deserved. The place is incredibly spooky. Just in case, I brought along joss paper and incense, which came in a nifty set together with candles and a small packet of tea and biscuity things for just $2. Surprisingly, Audi and Farid were pretty eager to help with the prayers and burning. Andrew was, as expected, skeptical about the whole thing. I'm not really religious, but just because you don't believe in something doesn't mean it can't reach out and hurt you. Like I don't believe in guns, but they'll shoot me just as dead.

In any case, I'd rather just burn some things, say a little prayer, and go around with peace of mind that if there should be "good brothers" around, as the Chinese call them, they may be appeased by our offering and not annoyed at us just crashing through their house.

The place is a maze. From what we've explored of it, it's incredibly confusing and I can imagine it'll be easy to get lost in. And because it's built on a hill, some areas don't make sense; you're on the fifth floor and suddenly it seems as though you're on a ground floor. It really adds to the creepiness, not that it needed help. Some areas were ok, but there were certain rooms where the hair on the nape of my neck literally stood on end. It seemed as though there was a change in the atmosphere, almost.

I'm so not looking forward to next Saturday. We'll be going in at night. We joked that maybe we should get a priest to come in and do a little ritual. Now, I'm flipping through the Yellow Pages looking for one. Better safe than sorry.

Shades Of Grey

The good news: we finally got permission to film in OCH! It'll be one day and one night, as planned, and we'll be doing the day shoot this Saturday, in case they change their minds.

The bad news: I'm starting to feel somewhat...disillusioned, I suppose. Maybe it's just that I'm not experienced. Or maybe I'm naive. I'm just somewhat taken aback and quite quite disappointed in the crew's behaviour.

I guess I can understand why they did what they did. The material we got from our interviewee was amazing, substantial stuff that goes a long way towards building our story. We're talking medical experiments straight out of Fringe, and creepy war stories. And he's not lying, either; he lived through it.

Even then, I'm not certain what we did was right. Do I want that material? Yes. Am I willing to compromise my principles for it? No. But it's not up to me, is it? Democracy; it doesn't always lead to the right decisions.

That said, maybe they are right, and I'm just being silly, clinging on to my textbook principles. After all, I've never done this in real life before; student projects are a whole different thing. And for all that we try to cling on to what's "right", sometimes it just doesn't work all that well in reality. If it wasn't for subterfuge and a quest for the truth, some of the biggest news stories may never have broken. It is our job in the making of this documentary to make sure the truth is depicted. I do wish I could've got it without having to resort to this. But it's a learning point. Maybe I just need to be more charming and persuasive.

All Talk, No Substance

All that work, and not much to show for it. Oh, we've got enough ghost stories to compile a Russell Lee book (is he still at it?), but honestly, I'm not impressed.

And I'm exhausted. Doing vox pops kills a little part of my soul, the part that believes in humans being logical, rational creatures. Not everything is about you, people, not in that way. Get over yourself.

I guess I'm just a little disillusioned because I really want to keep this documentary a documentary. Not some salacious piece of nonsense that people will laugh at. I'm a bit worried that Andrew's happy with the interviews we did today; gonna have to talk to him to make sure this is just a small part of the documentary.

We've got another interview coming up on Wednesday. I'm really hoping it'll add more fact and less fiction. Even after today, I'm still feeling optimistic about this interviewee. I take that as a good sign.

First Cuts

So yesterday we had a preview of the introductory montage to our documentary. I think we all went away all fired up and ready to work on the rest of the project, which is great, because tomorrow we hit the streets to interview people. These are a couple of pictures we'll be using for the montage:

Japanese soldiers marching through Fullerton Square.

Japanese troops guarding prisoners from the British Suffolk Regiment.

From what we've seen so far, I really do think that it's going to be a credible piece of work, despite our angle. If nothing else, even at the end we find out that it's not haunted (hopefully), it will be a solid investigative film that can be taken seriously. If nothing else, this opening would be great for me to show potential investors; indie or otherwise, we still need the funding, and if we can get someone to distribute it for us, that would be one kind of awesome. :) I wonder if we can get Canon in as a sponsor, since Audi insisted (as in throw tantrum, bang table sort of insisted) that we use his Canon 7D camera to film the entire thing. Andrew had his doubts, as did Farid and I, since it's...well, it's an SLR camera. But after watching this and Audi giving us a demo of the 7D's capabilities, we bowed to his superior expertise.

I'm impressed by how the depth of field on that thing and how it can turn the background all creamy, very pro-looking. And since it's so small, Audi just does it all by himself, which makes it so much easier for our very tiny film crew; no need to have grips running around moving the camera. It's great stuff for an indie film like ours, where we don't have the budget or manpower to deal with something bigger and much more expensive. I think it bothers Andrew a little bit though, because he doesn't get to see the framing, so he has to trust Audi with the shots. I'm just gonna let the boys have their little contest. This really isn't my pasah. What I do like about the camera is that it takes great stills too.

Andrew wondering whether Farid and I have gone bananas (hur hur)

A decent shot of me! So rare...

No pictures of Audi because apparently his pictures didn't turn out too nice ("I'm having a bad face day!" he cried as he reviewed the photos), so he refused to send to us. -_- This is what the vainpot looks like

I'm not sure if that's the 7D you see lurking in the second picture, but it's a Canon. That guy has a serious fixation with that brand. Which is good, because it SERIOUSLY helped with my budget, him and Farid coming along with their impressive array of gear.

So tomorrow, we'll be doing our man-on-the-street interviews, also known as vox pops, also known as hell. Singaporeans are weird in this way. Based on previous experience in my uni days, they'll stare at the camera like curious livestock, but stay away and REFUSE to help out. At the same time, they'll keep standing in frame in the background and fouling up the shot. Look, you're either shy or you're not. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. I'm gonna wear my comfortable shoes and bring along my Salonpas spray. It's gonna be a loooooong day.